From the Pentagon Today...

OK ladies and gentlemen, if you’ll take your seats we’ll begin the briefing. There will be just a few minutes following my prepared remarks for Q&A.

Today, after an exhaustive study by a joint commission comprised of elements form all branches of the military, the Joint Chiefs of Staff, the Defense Department, and the Central Intelligence Agency, we are pleased to introduce a new weapon in the war against terror. We feel implementing this new weapons platform will be a huge step forward in eliminating deeply embedded insurgent cells, rendering them combat ineffective.

Totally Horrific Random Enraging Asinine Discoloration, code named THREAD, will be deployed in all forward areas of operations in both Iraq and Afghanistan by the end of the year. The results will be devastating. All those who continue to pursue an agenda of violence and hate against America should stand as warned. Thank you. I’ll be happy to answer your questions now.

Yes, Deputy Jones, thank you for the briefing. Tom Sullivan here, Washington Post. Can you tell us how THREAD works?

Well Tom, THREAD, through a combination of classified technologies and methods, harnesses the dark brown, blue, and black deposits that come off of a seemingly clean iron or out of a perfectly clean washing machine. You know they type. It renders a garment, both new and old, completely useless and happens only at a time when you are in a hurry, late for an appointment, or in need of wearing that particular garment for a company photo, trade show, or important client meeting, or in this case, a so-called “Holy War”.

Susan McCloud, LA Times, Forgive me, but that sounds totally lame, useless in fact, and plainly, not very macho. How is this going to stop the war on terror?

Ms. McCloud, I assure you this bane of every home laundry room is not “lame” or “useless”. We’ve been able to amplify the effects and predict the randomness of when it occurs. When deployed it will systematically seek out common fabrics used in the making of keffiyeh and burkas, common everyday clothing worn by Arabs in the area troops are stationed. The scope and pervasiveness of these stains will lead Arabs world wide to declare a Jihad on all irons and washing machines, distracting the enemy, effectively diverting men and materials away from the current battlefields.

That reminds me. On a related note, we’re asking all civilian contractors and ex-pats stationed in Iraq, who happen to work for Maytag, Whirlpool, and Kenmore, to begin an orderly evacuation of conflict areas as soon as possible for obvious reasons.

Ms. McCloud, to put a fine point on this, what suicide bomber wants to meet his reward of 40 virgins wearing a stained keffiyeh? Ingenious really.

Ah, Deputy Jones, Clarnce Williams, Ohama Free Dealer, with the nature of the weapon, don’t you see collateral damage as an issue?

Yes. It is inevitable. There will be no distinction between Combatants and non-combatants. In fact, when the full scope of the deployment is made clear, I suspect massive casualties in homes all across Asia Minor and the Arabian Peninsula.

That’s all the time I have. Thank you and good afternoon.

(I freaking hate my iron. Hate it.)