R-Rated Rascals

I'm way late. Like about a half decade late.  Still...

Not a video guy really.  Don't watch them at all, but while I was searching around the web for the new Rascal Flatts song I came across the video to "Melt".

Good gracious Laverne people!  Did that like play that after 10pm and only on the weekends or something?  

Two things: How did they get away with that and why did no one tell me???

Kidding.  Just kidding.  Not really.  No, I'm kidding.  Seriously.

On the Sligh

OK, so how many of you like Rascal Flatts?  No, not live.  The studio stuff, that's what I'm referring to.  Yes, I thought so.  I see about 18.5 million hands in the air.

Just heard the upcoming single "Here Comes Goodbye".  I'm no expert, but I'm guessing it'll do just fine on the charts.  Seriously, I'm such a wanna-be snot, as I listened through it my first thought was I think I've heard the music before, sort of.  Then I got over my uncut, unpublished self and listened again.  Then again. It's really pretty darn good. 

I dig it when a melody pays off great in the verse and you're thinking no way they top it in the chorus. Then, just to prove there's a reason why I'm unpublished and uncut, the go right on and kick it's fat fanny. Great way to treat a hook too. Jealousy abounds gentle readers.  

Chris Sligh is one of the co-writers.  His story behind the song can be found here:

http://frommymindtoyoureyes.blogspot.com/2009/01/story-behind-music-here-comes-goodbye.html. (Copy and paste link into your browser.  For some reason HTML and I are not getting along tonight.)

Funny and encouraging to learn that their process and ours isn't all that different-less some notable exceptions: writing a probable number one hit, having a publisher, getting Jo Don to listen to something, having Dan Huff like it, etc.

Other than that it's almost identical. Really.  Shut up all of you.

Home

Home at last people. 

I'm not better than anyone else.  Don't feel superior in any way.  Big proponent of the "Those in Glass Houses" philosophy. But....

Norman Rockwell's nuclear family was waiting for the rental car shuttle to take them back to the airport there in Vegas when I came up.  Dad, or grandpa, not really sure, was enjoying a Bud Light tall boy in the traditional brown paper bag.  First off, how yesterday.  Everyone knows that today you wrap your mid-day alcoholic beverages for public consumption in the latest Dale Jr. coolie, or have the decency to at least put it in a wrap that has Calvin peeing on a Ford logo, but I digress. 

Mom, or grandma, not quite sure, was, and I kid you not, working her dentures around.

There was a little girl, maybe 10, cute as a button, who I wanted to scoop up and take home since, no doubt, my tax dollars are already hard at work funding her room and board anyway. There could be an outside chance, given her age, that she might not be aware that she's starring down the barrel of a slow death by red neck and has yet to totally succumb to the urge to simply give in like the rest of her family has, but again, I digress.

The coup de grace, the cherry atop the Jerry Springer sunday, the reason why if I could go back in time I'd visit the framers of the constitution bringing them a photo of this "human"and imploring them to narrow the scope of this so called life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness thing, was the elder sister.  As in the case with some girls, this teen's age was indeterminable what with her sleazy clothes, make up, long hair, sailor on leave vocabulary, and obvious middle school mentality.  I'd put her at 16 tops.  That's generous, but my mind refuses to go to the age where I think she actually is.  

As she stood there puffing away on a cigarette I heard her tell the bus driver the following: "You'll have to get my bag.  I can't lift anything heavy.  I'm pregnant."

Judge me, oh ye fair and gentle readers.  I deserve it.  But I stand (you can't see me so go with it) before you able to say I've never hit a woman, but I clearly envisioned my fist touching the back of her throat through her mouth then reaching up and coarsely massaging her cerebellum until there were enough synaptic reactions available for her to get me as I look her right in the eyes and say "It's not OK. You and this. It's just not OK".  

People, we should have a right to demand more from those about about to breed, but, yet again, I digress.  

It is good to be home. Vegas was 65.  Harrisonville was 10. Awesome 

Leaving You Haiku

Vegas, Oh Vegas

Tables, dice, restaurants, vice

Half clad vampire chick

Vegas, Oh Vegas

I shall miss your temptation

Like dysentery

Thank you.  That is all.

Leaving Vegas

Almost done. One day and a wake up.

Pai Gow is not a cute little poker variant that's fun to play. No-No.

Pai Gow is Thai for "need cover story for wife and second job to cover losses."

Just FYI.

Massaging Vegas

Day three in Vegas.  Wow I'm so over this.  Ready to go home now.

I saw Ed Bagley Jr. today. Speaking of brushes with fame, or a close proximity to fame anyway, we stood shoulder to shoulder in a convention center bathroom.  I can only assume he was there to speak on his green activities and his show.  Not in the bathroom mind you, but at the convention somewhere.  So, anyway, I've got that going for me.   

My feet are killing me from standing on the show floor all day.  Could use a good massage. Easy right?  Heck, you can't swing a dead cat in Vegas without hitting a massage parlor.  Surely with all these massage parlors about a guy could find someone qualified and licensed to deal with my problem.  Vegas, by the way, has more massage "therapists" per capita than anywhere else in the world.  Every strip mall on every corner boasts at least one fine upstanding massage establishment.  Why between the convention center and my hotel, a drive of less than two miles, I counted 17, and that's just by casual observation.   As an aside, the Coalition of Asian Chambers of Commerce send a hearty thank you to the fine people of Las Vegas for single handedly finding a source of employment for half the expat female population of from Jakarta, Bangkok, Kuala Lumpur, and Ho Chi Mihn City.  Matter of fact, I'm not sure you can own an establishment if you're not of Asian lineage or at least put the word Asian somewhere on the marquee, but I digress.  Relax people.  I did not seek remedy from my podiatry predicament in any such place.  I choose life thank you.

This morning I saw three what I'll term "orthodox" Jews, with the black suits and shoes, yamakas, curly-ques hanging from their temples, white linen sashes with tassels around their wastes, playing the slots.  I keep waiting to see a southern Baptist and Mormon whooping it up at the no limit poker table swilling Jack black label and then I will have officially seen everything.

Did I tell you there's half naked vampire chicks at our hotel?  Not even kidding. Saturday can't come soon enough gentle readers.

Lost Wages Nevada

Hey sports fans...in Vegas this week.  Been a little while since the last entry.  

Ah Vegas.  There was Prime Rib on the breakfast buffet and drunks still at the slots at 6:30 this morning. Who says the economy is bad.  Seeing a cocktail waitress with a skirt cut so high and a top plunging so low that they both almost meet as you head to breakfast is different.  I'm more of a oatmeal and paper kind of guy in the morning-not really ready for cleavage and a highball.  You know....

Anyone going to the inauguration?  I know this is an historic one and it should be celebrated, but have you heard the price tag for this thing?  Unbelievable.  Obama wants change.  Maybe he should start before actually taking office.  BTW, since we're all paying for it, shouldn't we get an invitation?    

Wrote last week for the first time in ages.  Felt good too.  Chris' single is getting some airplay around the country.  That's big fun.  We've started writing for the next project already.  Good times.  

More from Vegas to follow no doubt.  Be well kids.  I'm off to practice a little risk management. 

Health Warning

What really happens to gum if you swallow it.....

From NY Times

The “right to bear arms” may take a new meaning in the Obama administration.
— Posted by Jeffrey Mikulina

Thought For The Day

Love is like a booger. You keep picking at it until you get it, then spend the rest of your life wondering what to do with it.

Thank you. That is all.

Look at my finger. Don't make me use it!

Hey people. I’m back, I’m back.

Well, yours truly and a new arrival to our country presently employed at the Budget Rental Car counter near O’Hare Airport recently engaged in a little verbal tête-à-tête that ended badly.

Spent two hours returning to the airport in a blizzard, cars all over the road slipping and sliding. It was white knuckle driving all the way. Keep in mind the drive out took 35 minutes. Two hours getting back. Like a dutiful renter, I stopped for gas in the midst of the weather carnage, lest I pay $6.98 per gallon when I return the car. Arrived alive, back at the airport, but by then I was like a nervous cat with taped up paws.

Did you know, gentle readers, that if your round trip in the rental car is less than 60 miles and you don’t keep your gas receipt, Budget ever so kindly levies a $13 dollar fee just for giggles? Me neither. I expressed as much to my friendly representative at the counter who proceeded to tell me, in rental car speak, the equivalent of “Tough Nuggies.”

People, reference above. My round trip was less than 60 miles yet I spent two hours getting back to the airport. Do the math on that. Late for my return flight, completely spent from surviving the gauntlet that is Chicago Northland rush hour in the snow and slop, I may have lost my cool a little at his attitude. Just a little.

The result was a verbal altercation that resembled a tennis match, each of us lobbing volleys back and forth in our native tongues-his Spanish, mine west central Missouri red neck. Imagine Boomhaeur from King of the Hill and a high pitched Ricky Ricardo yelling unintelligibly at each other for about three minutes. Good times. Made quite a scene.

Didn’t pay the fee, but I’m no longer welcome to rent from Budget at O’Hare. So sayeth Ricky anyway. I think. Sports fans, I pointed my finger. Angrily I might add. Kind of proud of myself.

Glad to be back. I gotta go now. Time to punch someone. Yeah, I’m all hard like that.

Face it America, We Have a Problem

Washington D.C
January 6, 2008
From the AP…

Judy Dominguez-Gonzales O’Brien, Director of Communications for the Department of Homeland Security announced earlier today in a hastily put together press conference that the national threat level has been raised to Orange (+), which is like a fuzzy, dull crimson. Not red, exactly, yet not a solid orange either. According to Ms. Dominguez-Gonzales O’Brien, the escalation is a direct result of a discovery of a world wide cyber terrorist threat so insidious, so broad in its scope, as to be “the biggest threat to the national security of this country since Pearl Habor.”

When asked to identify the threat, Ms. Dominguez-Gonzales O’Brien, referring to her notes, called it simply “Facebook”. “Never before have we as a country been faced with such an economic threat as the productivity crippling Facebook has created.” The Department of Homeland Security, in cooperation with FBI, CIA, Secret Service, Department of Labor, and Department of Commerce, have put together a multi-agency task force to look into the origin of this threat and ways to effectively eradicate it before “The heart and soul of America’s engine of capitalism, it’s workforce, suffers permanent paralysis rendering this once great country a second world power in a matter of few short years.”

Citing confidential sources Ms. Dominguez-Gonzales O’Brien states that “already evidence is mounting that this Facebook is indeed an evil plot implemented upon unsuspecting 20, 30, and 40 somethings with apparently too much idle time at work.” “last week, it has come to our attention that a 300 metric ton shipment of vital grain supply was misrouted and sent to New Orleans on a river barge instead of Cleveland via an over the road truck line. The grain broker’s dispatcher was, and I quote now, distracted from being poked 35 times in a 24 hour period by friends, and family.”

In another incident Ms. Dominguez-Gonzales O’Brien outlined that the 10-43 floor of the Hightower Commerce Building in Seattle was left virtually unguarded for three hours last week as a night watchman left his post physically ill after receiving tagged photos of his former high school sweetheart who is now 325 pounds and is moderator of the sweat is sweet group. Proof that terror is real and that swift action is required, Ms. Dominguez-Gonzales O’Brien outlined a doomsday scenario which recently took place in the control tower at O’Hare International Airport. “A senior contract employee of the FAA recently resigned from his post citing three near misses and called missed approach after abandoning his scope due to being completely incapable of finding anything witty to enter into his current status bar.”

Ms. Dominguez-Gonzales O’Brien left us with a stern warning of a bleak outlook before making a quick retreat from the podium and refusing to answer questions. “This task force is vital to the ongoing security of this nation. Clearly this is a plot against America implemented by hard line Middle East factions intent on destroying our way of life. While we idly set in front of our computers twittering, Al Qaeda will be rolling down Main Street with AKs and RPG’s at the ready. This is a fight we have to win. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have 325 notifications and 12 friend requests to attend to, and apparently, 44 people want to pass me a drink.”

POP Server Blues

We all know about New Year’s Resolutions. But I went ahead and made one anyway.

I’ve got to get better organized. I made a pledge that I was going to my act together in 2009. Bought a Blackberry. It has a way to sync up with Outlook so that my calendar is right there in the palm of my hand.

Let’s see. First I think I would need to actually input my calendar on Outlook. That’s probably a start. Secondly, have you seen the instructions on how to get Outlook to sync up with Blackberry? Just to enter a date on the phone by itself, bypassing Outlook, is tough enough.

See, I need to go to a class or two. Trouble is I’d have to schedule the class. Then, I’d have to remember to go to the class. Without Outlook, or a phone to Sync it with, how do I remember to go to class?

See where I’m at people?

Things Not Taught In Business School

I work for a company that makes lifting equipment for use by the elderly or handicapped. The average consumer for my products would fit the prototypical image you might have of a retired, cookie making, slightly overweight grandmother of ten, or your grandfather after he finally relented to the fact that he can’t get around like he used to. As you might imagine, all of the marketing materials we generate show lifestyle shots of people in our target demographic group using and enjoying lifts.

We’ve recently started doing business with a very large national account that has a booming catalog and mail order business of products specifically targeted at seniors. Potentially this is a watershed opportunity for everyone involved. Now, this catalog company has significant marketing expertise, so they say. They produce print ads and catalogs that reach aan udience of millions every month. They know how to appeal to consumers, how to attract a specific buyer.

Recently sat in on a conference call whereby the mucky-mucks and so-and-sos of this firm began to tell us that our marketing materials were insufficient. We need to completely revise the brochures with lifestyle shots of attractive, slender females in their early 40’s, preferably with well proportioned features. Apparently, consumers do not want to see themselves in ads. “They want to see a stylized persona, an image, of what they just might feel like while using the featured product.”

Personally I disagree. If this were the case wouldn’t we have shows all over London, Paris, and New York with all the beautiful people rolling down the cat walk in the latest manual wheelchair, shuffling to loud hip hop beats wearing the next generation prosthetic limb, maybe Heidi Klum sporting the new 2009 spring line of incontinence diapers. No. However, they didn’t ask my opinion and I’m not paying the freight on this deal. So…

People, I’ve spent the better part of two days contacting modeling agencies and peering over web sites looking for Victoria Secrets models who happen to be over 40. Seriously, it’s like ordering a pizza. Yes, I need a female, 40-45, slender, at least a 36-C or better, most likely brunette with no visible scars. Oh, oh wait...can you make her European? OK sir, that will be $150 an hour, three hour minimum with a $300 agency fee, and we’ll have her there in 30 minutes or your order is free.

I had no idea this type of thing existed. None.

Two things: I feel dirty and I freaking love this country

Don’t think of this image as gratuitous sex and skin and the propagation of unhealthy self images in comparison to most normal body types. No. Think of this picture as your grandma and her sewing circle friends thrilled with their new found ability to get down to the craft room at the senior center since the purchase of the new lift.

Yeah...