Face it America, We Have a Problem

Washington D.C
January 6, 2008
From the AP…

Judy Dominguez-Gonzales O’Brien, Director of Communications for the Department of Homeland Security announced earlier today in a hastily put together press conference that the national threat level has been raised to Orange (+), which is like a fuzzy, dull crimson. Not red, exactly, yet not a solid orange either. According to Ms. Dominguez-Gonzales O’Brien, the escalation is a direct result of a discovery of a world wide cyber terrorist threat so insidious, so broad in its scope, as to be “the biggest threat to the national security of this country since Pearl Habor.”

When asked to identify the threat, Ms. Dominguez-Gonzales O’Brien, referring to her notes, called it simply “Facebook”. “Never before have we as a country been faced with such an economic threat as the productivity crippling Facebook has created.” The Department of Homeland Security, in cooperation with FBI, CIA, Secret Service, Department of Labor, and Department of Commerce, have put together a multi-agency task force to look into the origin of this threat and ways to effectively eradicate it before “The heart and soul of America’s engine of capitalism, it’s workforce, suffers permanent paralysis rendering this once great country a second world power in a matter of few short years.”

Citing confidential sources Ms. Dominguez-Gonzales O’Brien states that “already evidence is mounting that this Facebook is indeed an evil plot implemented upon unsuspecting 20, 30, and 40 somethings with apparently too much idle time at work.” “last week, it has come to our attention that a 300 metric ton shipment of vital grain supply was misrouted and sent to New Orleans on a river barge instead of Cleveland via an over the road truck line. The grain broker’s dispatcher was, and I quote now, distracted from being poked 35 times in a 24 hour period by friends, and family.”

In another incident Ms. Dominguez-Gonzales O’Brien outlined that the 10-43 floor of the Hightower Commerce Building in Seattle was left virtually unguarded for three hours last week as a night watchman left his post physically ill after receiving tagged photos of his former high school sweetheart who is now 325 pounds and is moderator of the sweat is sweet group. Proof that terror is real and that swift action is required, Ms. Dominguez-Gonzales O’Brien outlined a doomsday scenario which recently took place in the control tower at O’Hare International Airport. “A senior contract employee of the FAA recently resigned from his post citing three near misses and called missed approach after abandoning his scope due to being completely incapable of finding anything witty to enter into his current status bar.”

Ms. Dominguez-Gonzales O’Brien left us with a stern warning of a bleak outlook before making a quick retreat from the podium and refusing to answer questions. “This task force is vital to the ongoing security of this nation. Clearly this is a plot against America implemented by hard line Middle East factions intent on destroying our way of life. While we idly set in front of our computers twittering, Al Qaeda will be rolling down Main Street with AKs and RPG’s at the ready. This is a fight we have to win. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have 325 notifications and 12 friend requests to attend to, and apparently, 44 people want to pass me a drink.”