For Immediate Release

August 15, 2008 Dateline Ossetia…
Four members of the Turkish press came under fire from Russian soldiers as they approached a roadside checkpoint.

Mustafa Baraki, 42, Istanbul, a journalist for the Turkish National News reported that shortly after 1:30 pm, the SUV in which he was traveling, along with a videographer, sound technician, and translator, came under small arms and rifle from Russian Nationals as they approached a road block well inside the war ravaged Georgian region.

“It was scary time. Lucky to be alive. Need bathroom”, stated an obviously shaken Baraki through his translator in broken English immediately following the incident.

Intense video shot during the fire fight, and available exclusively through the Blah Network, captured the harrowing moments during, and immediately after, the firefight, in which the occupants of the SUV can be heard offering their surrender, trying to establish their identities as Turkish Press, and asking for an ambulance to treat a wounded member of their party.

During the firefight, video footage revealed all four men ducking to avoid the barrage of gunfire and engaging in animated conversations. When asked about the nature of the conversations, Baraki indicated he was “screaming prayers, lamenting his lack of suitable undergarments, and cursing his 10th grade counselor who told him he’d be a great journalist.”

An official from the Kremlin, speaking on the condition anonymity, stated there would be no comment from Moscow and cast doubt on the report that it was Russian soldiers involved. “We (Russians) have a long history when it comes to shooting Arabs of poorer nations. It’s doubtful any of our conscripted 18 year olds, so far from home, so poorly fed, and perpetually angry-drunk, would have missed a target that badly given the chance to actually shoot something.”

All four involved in the shootout returned to Turkey and are in fair condition at an undisclosed hospital being treated for injuries described as “somewhat related to the incident.” The Blah network has learned that three of the four men are currently suffering from convulsive vomiting and near epic, nonstop diarrhea rendering them unable to stand up. The fourth man is in a semi-catatonic state sucking his thumb and crying out for Baboo, a pet alpaca from his childhood.

Afet Abdabi, 67, Ankara, mother of the injured videographer, was quoted in a local paper as saying, “my son is well, but bent over double as if the hand of Allah himself has taken hold of his colon.” Abdabi went on to claim that her son immediately resigned from the news crew and will take a job filming local weddings where all he’ll dodge in the future is the oxen dung-goat cheese dip so often served at the receptions.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GrCoHBuha4Y