Dear Bill

As you know, we get lots of mail here at the Blah Blog Network. Too much to share really. However, we received a letter this week that I thought would be worth posting.

Brad Labdonovitch from Los Lunas, NM writes:
Dear Bill, long time reader of the Blah. Love it. However I am a little concerned with the number of posts that reference Doritos and Jennifer Gardner. Obsess much?
My question pertains to women’s underwear. I attempted to purchase some undergarments, a bra, in particular, for my wife for Mother’s day. I had every good intention, but became quite frustrated and upset once I entered the Victoria’s Secret store. Too many choices. Too intimidating. What’s a guy to do?

Brad, Brad, Brad, I feel you. I’m picking up what you’re puttin’ down. Who among us hasn’t set foot in a Victoria’s Secret store and been instantly intimidated, intimidated to the point of just asking the clerk to bag up one of everything so you can get the heck out of there? Look, it’s not like you can just loiter in the store for hours, looking over each item, holding it up to get the mental picture of how your wife would look in it. What if you buy it too big, what if it’s too small, what if she questions why you’re buying fancy stinking underwear in the first place when there’s a mortgage to pay and a kid to get trough school? You’re among friends Brad. We understand. Never fear. Consider the Blah your under-wire here for support.

Next time you’re in the purveyor of panties, the underwear utopia, otherwise known as Victoria’s Secret, and you are shopping for a bra, think this way. Bras fall into four easy to understand categories.

The Catholic-built to lift the masses
The Salvation Army-Helps lift the fallen
The Presbyterian-Keeps them staunch and upright
and The Baptist-Good for making mountains out of mole hills

Grab a bag of three cheese Doritos and follow along here kiddo.

Does she need something professional, but nice, something to boost her spirits at work? Go with a beige Presbyterian. Find one with a little lace, and you’ll have both form and function.

Child bearing and gravity got your woman down? Salvation Army to the rescue baby. I recommend something in aqua blue or a shade of pink, because who says charity work has to be dull.

Night out. Little black dress. Kids at grandma’s. Class reunion perhaps. Clearly, the Baptist is in order. You know Brad, every community in America has seventeen Baptist churches in it. It’s like mitosis, when a Baptist cell starts splitting, it grows exponentially. As far as this intrepid blogger is concerned, the same theory applies to the Baptist bra. You’ve got your first Baptist, your second Baptist, the strapless Baptist, the public Baptist-meets in the front, the liquor store Baptist-meets in the back, the fundraiser chairperson Baptist-always leaves you asking for just a little bit more, the devout Baptist-the kind that makes sure they don’t dance around, and finally, the inner city choir Baptist-you know, the kind that makes you jump to your feet and shout Amen! Can’t go wrong with a Baptist. Trust me.

The Catholic, well, I think you get the idea.

Brad, there you have it. Useful information that will one day come in handy. But then again, what else would you expect from the Blah…

Thanks for reading. By the way, buy the appropriate Baptist and take your wife to see Ghosts of Girlfriends Past starring Jennifer Gardner. In theatres now….

Peace.