Black Market Boxers

Read a blog today about fire, about losing homes, about being displaced. The blogger noted that he was preparing a suitcase just in case he had to make a run for it. Got me thinking. What would be in my bag?

There would be some cash, a debit card, ID, insurance information, and a passport. Only if time allows, grab some underwear. Totally optional, but a good idea. There would be a pair of jeans, some socks, tennis shoes and 5 Hawaiian shirts. OK, maybe 10.

A bottle of Amoxicillin, a jar of Purel, three bars of antibacterial soap, and a 45 caliber hand gun-because I’ll need to clean the germs and filth up one way or another.

Lap top, iPod, cell phone and various chargers, of course.

A snack size bag of Doritos and my Power Card from Lamar’s Doughnuts. Hey, disaster or not, I’m one dozen away from a free dozen and I’m not about to leave it behind. Besides, it could come in handy for the people in the cots next to me at the Red Cross shelter.

“I’ll trade you three Doritos and a glazed for your tooth brush. I’ll make it two glazed, and I’ll throw in a bar of soap, if you kick in your boxers. My hands are clean and the doughnuts were free, but the chaffing is killing me!”

There would be space for a small digital reorder so I could play back some 20 pre-recorded messages to myself. Ones like “don’t give up”, “take your medicine”, “never trust anyone at a rest stop”, “If anyone named Willow or Moondance offers you something for your headache, politely decline.”, “Hey Bill, call your attorney. In light of the recent natural disaster, you maybe able to get a continuance on the Jennifer Gardner stalking thing.” You know, important things, to keep me grounded and safe.

I’d take my ShamWow. I don’t know, it’s just so darn handy.

A multi-tool. Not sure what it is, but that survivor dude on TLC said never leave home without one.

Lastly, a large note written in indelible marker that I could pin to my jacket telling anyone that finds me to speak slowly, use small sentences, and by no means offer up any sugar or caffeine, and to call the toll-free number for missing or exploited husbands immediately.

Yah, that should do it.