Hulking Kisses

Home. At Last.



I'm going to throw my suitcase as far as I can throw it. Then I'm going to sneak up on my wife and give her one of those World War II vintage kisses.



After that-Man time with the little guy. Trick-or-treating tonight. Incredible Hulk this year. The little guy, not me. I'm going as an unshaven, road weary sales guy with bad breath. After that it's dinner on the floor in front of the TV, some Wii, followed by dueling toothbrushes before bed.




I'm probably not the first person to think this, but coming home almost makes you you want to go back on the road just so you can come home again...

Gus Fuss

On the road this week. So I brought an old movie to watch. Hadn't seen it in a very, very long time.

Lonesome Dove. Love it. Even though it was made in '89, it's still great. I swear Robert Duvall and Tommy Lee Jones aren't even acting. Duvall's character, Gus, should go into the smart a** hall of fame. So good.

When the TV mini-series first aired, I watched the finale at my then girlfriends house (now my wife). I remember unashamedly crying for the world to see when Gus died. Going to tear up again I bet.

Whoa!

Sports fans...spending the week in Georgia attending a trade show.  Been out of pocket for a little bit.  

Lots of funny stuff here on the road.  I'll try to turn them into blogs if I can.  That is if I don't pass away stuck on I-85.  People, Atlanta's traffic stinks.  

Cracked and Broke

I have a leaky A-Coil. Shouldn’t I be much older before I have to start worrying about that kind of thing…Wait, that’s not my A-Coil.

The leaky A-Coil dripped water into the furnace and burned out a circuit board. Furnace not-worky so good with out the aforementioned board. Thank goodness it was still under warranty. Didn’t cost anything. This time.

Between a couple of new water heaters (don’t ask), a new sump pump, and a new furnace, my cellar looks like a plumbing and HVAC showroom. I’ve pumped enough money into that sinkhole over the last 18 months to literally make me cry.

Now to my A-Coil. Apparently you have to have a good working A-Coil or your air conditioner is basically useless. A leaky A-Coil also means bad things for your furnace. To top it off, the compressor fan on the air conditioning unit is so bad off that it makes babies cry and dogs howl for about a three block radius every time it comes on.

So this summer I get to buy a new air conditioner. And the Pointer Sisters say “I’m so excited.” Amen ladies. Late this summer I’ll be giving tours of my ultra-modern new appliances. $15 for the hour long tour with commentary by the newly minted millionaire local heating and cooling guy. $25 gets you the tour, commentary, and pictures of what should have been my son’s college education.

"Five."

"Five Dollar."

"Five Dollar Foot" right to the kiester of the person who wrote that jungle.

Please Subway, mother of Mildred please, stop it. Just stop it.

Manchester Meltdown

Yes, you’re a world power. Yes, you have a very rich history dating back several centuries, much longer than we do. Yes, our country was populated by your castaways. However, I still see no reason for the arrogance. Why are all the lymies so full of themselves?

See, I don’t really care that you backpacked your way through Marrakesh when you were in college. Doesn’t make you worldly in my eyes. Just means your parents have money and you don’t mind amoebic dysentery all that much. Yes, I know that you’ve traveled extensively throughout France and Germany. Let’s see, your country is the same size as Louisiana. You can hop a train, cut across the Chunnel, and be from London to Paris in 2.5 hours. Catch that same train and get to Germany, via Brussels, in a little over four hours. I would hope you’ve traveled through Europe.

See pal, I don’t have high speed trains. By car, I can barely be across my own state in four hours. Now, I can get to Arkansas in about three hours, which is like a whole other country. No, it’s not Paris. There’s no Louvre or the Eiffel Tower, but they do speak a foreign language. I’m sure to you, you pinky finger extended while you drink your tea type, that it's not the same thing. Whatever.

My point in all of this is to say, keep talking to me in that tone and I’ll personally insure your family tree appears vertical hence forth. Thank you that is all.

Tonight the Role of Fuzzy Headed Dude Will be Played by Fuzzy Faced Dude

An alert reader pointed out that the creepy fuzzy headed painter dude is dead. Oops.

Filling in this evening, dancing with Elle, will be the incomparable Wilford Brimley...

Up Next on DWTS...

Be sure to tune in next week. We have Mandisa and Verne Troyer, Chuck Norris with Richard Simmons, and Elle Mcpherson paired with that creepy, fuzzy headed, painter dude from public TV.

WAJ Wrap Up

Back. Co-wrote with two people that I had never sat with before. Great sessions both of them. Both sessions started with nothing more than an idea, had to grit out everything. Loved that. Had some great one-on-one sessions and met with a publisher. I call it three for three in terms of accomplishing goals for the weekend.

It’s never easy hearing the word no. You would think that a lifelong career in sales and being married for 15 years would equip a fella to deal with that dreaded word. Still. It’s tough. So, a little disappointed, but it’s all part of the process. The business reasons behind it were irrefutably sound. So, stick and move, stick and move. Just keep punching until the bell rings…Just keep writing.

If you go to WAJ, at some point during the day take a moment and just stop and listen. You can so tell you’re with a bunch of music nerds. 6 out of 10 people are walking around humming something. Two people are singing right out loud, one has an iPod going so loud that they couldn’t sing over it if they tried, and the tenth, well, they re too busy trying to find the choir room to sing or hum.

Great weekend.

WAJ Day Two

The Friday night concert was great as always.

When I hear a great song, two things happen:  

#1) I think holy crap, I could never have made that happen like that

#2) Without fail, it makes me want to pick up a pen and write

Don Poythress' "Joseph" was nails tonight.  There's money lines threaded throughout that thing.  You know its good when all the writers near you let out an audible sigh when the song is over.  The guy's delivery is amazing as well.  Yes, I do hate him.  Hate.  Indeed.

Phil Mehrens shared a great one, as did Gina Boe.  Kevin, oops, I mean Benton Stokes was great as always.  I've noticed that he brings something to a live performance that is usually reserved for studio magic.  Very cool.

Good times people.  Good times.  

WAJ Day One

It's great to see everyone again.  Sue never ages. John is a consummate gentlemen, and I still, for the love of all things holy, cannot find the stinking choir room.   

Random Thoughts:

Twila LaBar rocks the piano.  Little bitty thing, sounds a lot like Jody Foster when she speaks. Pounds the piano like it owes her money.  Awesome.

This just in, Lisa Qualset, from Nebr City, can sing.  Written with her on a few occasions. Never really heard her sing before tonight.  She's got game.

Had a song critiqued.  No matter how many times I do it, it still feels like you voluntarily agree to stand in front of the class in your underwear for 3:40. 

Tomorrow is random co-write day.  Your name get drawn from a hat, you get paired up with someone you may, or may not, have written with before, you go to a little room, and try not to throw up on each other.  It will be important not to suck tomorrow.  Not sucking is a good, good thing.  

Could Nick and Allie LaPointe be any cuter together?  It's just ridiculous. 

Looking forward to tomorrow. 

 

Awareness

Hello from St. Louis.  Were you aware that I'm not home right now, posting remotely?  Were you aware that a king sized Snickers and a Red Bull could cause your heart to explode through the bottom of your feet?  I can actually feel the stroke coming on right now.  Wow! 

Were you aware that 3 out of every 120 people suffer from chronic toe cheese?  I so totally made that up.

How about breast cancer?  Were you aware that this is breast cancer awareness month?  This I did not make up.   Listen ladies, go take the  girls out for a walk and get them checked.  No fooling around.  This is serious.  

...And remember, climbing utility poles is really dumb.

This is has been a public service announcement from the Blah Network.  We now resume regularly scheduled programming.

Write about Jesus time again. Never been to WAJ? Get out! You should go. Register now at www.writeaboutjesus.com. Seriously, do it now. I said now...

It’s like a very weird rehab where they actually encourage you to pursue your habits, equip you to grow in your habits, and then surround with other junkies who are all excited that somone's actually telling them it's OK. Excellent therapy. It’s like band camp for songwriting nerds. Awesome.

This year’s mission is to build relationships, solidify the co-writing network, and avoid the chicken salad. Amen.

Talk amongst yourselves for a few days until I get back.

Home Field Advantage?

So, I went to the Mizzou game this weekend. Took my son. Usually sit on the alumni side. Only tickets I could get for this one were in the student section. My son got to choose the tail-gating menu. His special day. We partied it up with peanut butter sandwiches, Pringles, and Sprite. No that’s not a typo. Peanut butter and Pringles.

Heard all seven of George Carlin’s deadly words copius quantities. Heard two or three others that should have made the list, but somehow didn’t. That was before the end of the first quarter. It got uglier from there.

The highway patrol was fairly active on that side of the field helping with crowd control. One young “lady” drew the attention of two officers nearby our seats. As she was stating her case, her boyfriend apparently took issue with the tone the trooper was using. He pointed his finger at the officer and accidentally made contact with his shoulder. Now, his finger wasn’t loaded, of course, but he was. Clearly. However, that didn’t much matter to the trooper. Kids, never, and I mean never, touch a highway patrolman while in the course of performing his duties. That was one of the only tackles made during the game in that stadium by anyone from Missouri.

Sold out defense, oops, I meant game. Sold out game. I’m talking butt cheek to butt cheek. My son and I were wedged in so tight that we didn’t have to sit or stand, just sort of moved with the collective crowd. There was a group of like six in front of us that left their seat no fewer than 23 times a quarter requiring 1,700 of us to move out of the way.

My stomach had a hard time reconciling the peanut butter and Pringles, the bile rising from the play of the Tigers, the stench of beer and vomit, and the abuse my sides took from the ding dongs next to me getting up and down every two minutes. Good times.

Kansas City to Oklahoma City via New Mexico?

You work for a long time with a client. You quote something. You convince them it’s the right thing to do. You get an order. You build it. You know there’s a tight delivery timeframe. You pick a carrier and cross your fingers. You ship it. You hold your breath.

What should have taken one day will end up taking four because, well, because freight companies are hell incarnate. They’re all permanent residents, Satan’s ambassadors, if you will, placed here among the living to remind us to get right and fear the Lord…

Just for the record, the R&L, in R&L Carriers, stands for Really Late.

New Music Tuesday

Picked up “Little Voice” by Sarah Bareilles.

Generally I have to be in the mood for smart songwriter-singer/singer-songwriter stuff. I hate not getting a song. You know? Plain lazy when it comes to listening and understanding.

That being said, there’s a couple on there that really work for me. “Fairy Tale” works. “Between the Lines” is really well done, although I’m still not quite sure I totally get it. Totally. Makes me want to take piano lessons though.

My favorite is “Gravity”. What a great song and great performance. I dig it when I actually feel the writer’s pain, ending up commiserating by the time the bridge rolls around.

Gravy

Guy had a birthday in the shop. So we brought in lunch today. His choice. Meatloaf, mashed potatoes, corn, brown gravy, and peach cobbler.

That, gentle readers, was like poetry on a plate. It spoke to me physically and spiritually.

That plate belted out Steven Curtis’ “Great Adventure”, Commodore’s “Brick House”, James Taylor’s “Steam Roller”, and Aretha’s “Respect” all at the same time.

At the end, when I needed two handi-wipes and wheelbarrow, it quietly whispered “just like momma used to make.”

Testify metloaf with the corn choir raising the roof and sister potato jumping out her pew in the back row waving her gravy hanky around.

Amen Brother!

That Old Familiar Smell

Creation of a seven-year cost recovery period for construction of a motorsports racetrack: Track owners currently follow a seven-year depreciation schedule and write each year's depreciation off their taxes. The IRS wanted to increase the depreciation timetable to 15 years, which would mean the track owner's depreciation would be cut in half. The measure in the keeps the seven-year depreciation schedule for two years and would cost taxpayers $100 million

A refund of excise taxes to Puerto Rico and the Virgin Islands for rum: A $13.50 per gallon excise tax is placed on rum imported into the United States. The measure extends to December 31, 2009, a refund of $13.25 per gallon tax back to Puerto Rico and the Virgin Islands, which are both U.S. territories. The refund has been in place since the early '90s. The measure would cost taxpayers $192 million.

Provisions related to film and television productions: In order to keep movie production in the U.S., production companies would be allowed to deduct the cost of producing the films from their taxes. Rep. Diane Watson, D-California, has been one of the program's biggest supporters. The measure would cost taxpayers $478 million over 10 years.

Transportation fringe benefit to bicycle commuters: The measure would allow employers to provide benefits to employees who commute to work via bicycle, such as help purchasing and maintaining a bicycle. The measure would cost taxpayers $10 million.

Deduction of state and local sales taxes: The measure allows citizens who do not pay state income taxes to deduct the amount of sales tax they pay over a year from their federal income tax for two additional years. States that benefit include Texas, Nevada, Florida, Washington and Wyoming. The measure would cost taxpayers $3.3 billion.

Read individually, you may wonder about the validity, the usefulness, the necessity of these proposed measures. Right?

Now consider this: they are riders attached to the proposed bailout package, the one that just passed a Senate vote. Not all of them mind, you. Just a sampling.

Can’t spin this. Can’t equate it to a bodily function. Can’t make this funny.
For the record, once again, crooks and self-styled demigods every one of them.

Where Did I Put That 1040 Long Form?

Dancing With The Stars…

To

Dancing Behind Bars …

Next partner will most likely look a bit different!

Crawfish and Killian's Principle, Part III

Now for the bail out…Once the EMS and Haz-Mat crews finished, state EPA and the Governor were called in to assess the situation. They suggested, more like demanded, that I immediately ingest a half gallon of Pepto followed by a six pound chunk of Immodium AD. They would then raid the state’s treasury to pay to clean me up and make me presentable again, and to fund the clean-up for the surrounding area. (Call it the $770 Billion bailout proposal).

As far as I’m concerned, I’m all for the bailout. Remember, I’m a financial institution that knowingly ingested way too much, but I can’t be allowed to crash and burn. Heavens no! There’s my shareholders to consider, and my executive pay that’s due..err..I mean there’s the economy’s health and consumer confidence to consider. I’d be for it as long as there weren’t any nasty riders with the bailout that led to an increase in regulation or scrutiny of my business and only in so much as I can be reasonably assured that I would perhaps be able to receive bail-out funds, be made immune to any prosecution for wrong doing, and can be relatively secure in the knowledge that the financial burden will be born by the suckers, oops, I mean tax paying citizens.

If you were Sammy’s, remember the firm packaging, selling, and making billions off of these fundamentally flawed investments, you want the bail out. You’d like it as long as there weren’t any nasty riders with the bailout that led to an increase in regulation or scrutiny of your business and only in so much as you can be reasonably assured that you would perhaps be able to receive bail-out funds, be made immune to any prosecution for wrong doing, and can be relatively secure in the knowledge that the financial burden will be born by the suckers, oops, I mean tax paying citizens.

If you were anywhere near the Texaco that evening, or let’s say the truly innocent shareholders of now bankrupt financial institutions, or those poor, poor, not-so-innocent people “duped” and “taken advantage of” who invested in these now dreaded adjustable rate mortgages, or borrowers of 125% of the value of their home, you’d be for the bailout regardless of the cost. Even if you had time to consider the fact that this will eventually come back to you in the form of higher taxes.

The rest of you, those not chemically burned from the Chernobyl like fall out, might be asking some questions:

Like shouldn’t Bill Filer help clean up and be financially liable for, Bill Filer’s mess?
Since it’s your tax dollars at stake, should you not have a say as to where it goes?
Should not everyone at the SEC, the FDIC, and the OCC be immediately fired for not stopping the train, or at least getting it to tap the brakes, before it crashed into the station?

I love Cajun food and beer. Always will. I’ll just have to wait a little while until this thing shakes out to see if I can go back to Sammy’s, or maybe find another joint to frequent. Either way, doesn’t really matter, one thing’s for sure: I’m going to eat, and eat, and eat……

The Show

One great thing about getting older is that you start to feel comfortable with the way you are. You feel a certain way about things. May not be right or wrong, but you’re at peace with it regardless.

So I say forgive me, and by that I mean hey if you do, you do and if you don’t you don’t….but I abhor politics and politicians on a national, federal level. Crooks and self-styled demigods everyone. That, dear friends, is my honest belief.

That being said, I can’t wait for the VP debate this evening. Should be good entertainment. A saying comes to mind: “Never argue with an idiot. They tend to drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.”

Which one’s the idiot you ask……..Good question.

Fourth quarter is upon us. Year end looms. About this time, many of us will be due for our annual performance review.

Top Five Things You Never Want To See Written In Your Review
#5) Sets very low personal standards and consistently fails to meet them
#4) Has delusions of adequacy
#3) Somewhere a village has been deprived of its idiot
#2) Since last report, employee has hit rock bottom and started to dig
#1) Employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better

Crawfish and Killian's Principle, Part II

Alright, let’s recap from Part I…

You have me as a financial institution gobbling up all the Cajun food in sight. Cajun food, in this case, being high yielding, yet fundamentally flawed mortgage backed investments and access to easy, easy credit. All of these tasty treats being served up by Sammy’s, a reputable vendor, following all of the legal guidelines for food and beverage preparation.

Now kids, what happens when you eat too much? You generally get a tummy ache, right? The extent of the tummy ache depends on the extent of the damage done to the system. In my case, I was in Sammy’s a lot, and I tried everything on the menu. No balance to my diet. No moderation as to quantities consumed. Simply focused on the bottom line, my satisfaction, with no regard for tomorrow.

It started with stomach cramps (call it the slow down in the economy). Stomach cramps progressed to gut pain (call it declining home values). Gut pain and cramps morphed into full on gastric distress (call it the poor economy, mixed with lower home values, add in increasing foreclosures on mortgages, topped with investments in mortgage backed securities turning south) Overburdened and mistreated, my system crashed about a half mile from Sammy’s on the way home one evening (call it the cycle of bank failures, stock market declines, increasing mortgage foreclosures). My disaster took place at a Texaco on the corner of Garfield and Highland. I don’t recall putting the car in park, or turning it off for that matter. I barely made it inside. Gentle readers, I brought hell with me that twilight rendering a six block area near the LSU campus uninhabitable for the next six weeks (Call it the current landscape of the financial markets today).

Let’s make this a three part deal, shall we. Tomorrow, the exciting conclusion: “The Bail-Out”