Things Not Taught In Business School

I work for a company that makes lifting equipment for use by the elderly or handicapped. The average consumer for my products would fit the prototypical image you might have of a retired, cookie making, slightly overweight grandmother of ten, or your grandfather after he finally relented to the fact that he can’t get around like he used to. As you might imagine, all of the marketing materials we generate show lifestyle shots of people in our target demographic group using and enjoying lifts.

We’ve recently started doing business with a very large national account that has a booming catalog and mail order business of products specifically targeted at seniors. Potentially this is a watershed opportunity for everyone involved. Now, this catalog company has significant marketing expertise, so they say. They produce print ads and catalogs that reach aan udience of millions every month. They know how to appeal to consumers, how to attract a specific buyer.

Recently sat in on a conference call whereby the mucky-mucks and so-and-sos of this firm began to tell us that our marketing materials were insufficient. We need to completely revise the brochures with lifestyle shots of attractive, slender females in their early 40’s, preferably with well proportioned features. Apparently, consumers do not want to see themselves in ads. “They want to see a stylized persona, an image, of what they just might feel like while using the featured product.”

Personally I disagree. If this were the case wouldn’t we have shows all over London, Paris, and New York with all the beautiful people rolling down the cat walk in the latest manual wheelchair, shuffling to loud hip hop beats wearing the next generation prosthetic limb, maybe Heidi Klum sporting the new 2009 spring line of incontinence diapers. No. However, they didn’t ask my opinion and I’m not paying the freight on this deal. So…

People, I’ve spent the better part of two days contacting modeling agencies and peering over web sites looking for Victoria Secrets models who happen to be over 40. Seriously, it’s like ordering a pizza. Yes, I need a female, 40-45, slender, at least a 36-C or better, most likely brunette with no visible scars. Oh, oh wait...can you make her European? OK sir, that will be $150 an hour, three hour minimum with a $300 agency fee, and we’ll have her there in 30 minutes or your order is free.

I had no idea this type of thing existed. None.

Two things: I feel dirty and I freaking love this country

Don’t think of this image as gratuitous sex and skin and the propagation of unhealthy self images in comparison to most normal body types. No. Think of this picture as your grandma and her sewing circle friends thrilled with their new found ability to get down to the craft room at the senior center since the purchase of the new lift.

Yeah...