Parents Preogative

My wife was looking through some old pics we had on the computer. There was cute one of our little guy smooching his little girl friend when he was four.

He happened to breeze by when the pic was pulled up and got all sorts of embarrassed.

Isn't it our mission as parents to possess and employ multiple means by which to embarrass our children? I think so.

His parting shot as he quickly ran away from the image on the screen, "Can't you all see the shame in that?"

So awesome.

Ronald Rejected

On the way home from a meeting, I pulled off the highway for a little lunch. There was a homeless man at the bottom of the ramp. He was sitting on a nasty old bed roll and holding a sign that was too small to read.

This may sound bad, but I'm not normally much of a giver. Something struck me, for unknown reasons, so I picked up another value meal for my friend while in the drive through. Feeling good about myself, I pulled over before getting back on the highway and motioned him over. Told him that I couldn't offer a ride, but how about some lunch, holding the bag up for him to see.

My homeless friend, in torn jeans and an old shirt, smelling like, well I don't know what, curled up his nose, shook his head in mock disgust, and said to me "the grocery stores feed me, I don't have to eat that stuff." I sat there dumbstruck as he did an about face and went back to squatting on the corner without so much as even a "thanks anyway".

Those of you out there that are bigger than I am, a little more mature perhaps, will be quick to point out that it's not important that the transaction was or wasn't a success. What's important is that I was of the mind and spirit to be helpful. Full disclosure: after the vagrant declined my offer for lunch, gentle readers, I was of a mind and spirit alright. I was of the mind and spirit to exit my truck and make sure the cheeseburgers made it to his digestive system the hard way.

The sign the obviously choosy panhandler was carrying was too small to be seen clearly. Had I been able to see it, the message of "I am an epicurian currently eschewing traditional housing methods practicing a minimalist approach that will render my carbon footprint almost non-existent. Please do not offend my sensibilities by offering me foodstuffs served in a bag of any sort" I would have avoided the embarrassing encounter on the side of a busy highway. For you marketing students out there, the take-a-way here is clear: make your your advertising concise and your message unmistakable.

Lastly, how fat am I that I actually like eating at a place where the food is so miserable that not even the homeless will eat it?

Eye See What You're Doing

Ever call your optometrist to order contacts, only to be told you can't because you haven't been for a check up recently?

They will prattle on about the need to determine if your prescription has changed, but you know the real reasons. In short, they want you to come in to spend a bundle of cash before they will allow you to spend a little.

Can you tell me where else this logic is used and people are forced to go along with it?

Does the family doctor tell you that he can't treat your athlete's foot because you haven't had an MRI done of your entire body lately? Hey, before I check out your chronic halitosis, I'm going to be forced to subject you to a prostate exam, colonoscopy, and a series of blood tests to check for Bora-Bora and the clap. No.

Does the clerk at the grocery store tell you that you can't buy the T-Bone steak because, according to her records, you haven't bought a complete side of beef yet? You never know, your tastes may have changed over the last two years, you may be a rib-eye guy now, better check. No.

Does the gas station attendant tell you you can't have ten on pump two. Not until you purchase the contents of the 4,200 gallon tanker parked around back and a six-pack of Slim-Jims? No.

If you're going to hold up my contacts for ransom, at least have the decency to call it what it is.

Say to me, "Look it, you're gonna have to come in, we're going to shine a 7,000 candle power light in your eyes, after we dilate them to the size of a full moon, of course. After you stop howling in pain, we're going to ask you to read some letters projected on the wall while we purse our lips and look pensive. We're then going to ask you to look through a fancy gizmo while asking one or two, first or second, left or right, and so on. In the end, you're going to be right, your eyes will not have changed, but you're not insured for vision, so we've got you for the full $250, plus the $95 for the contacts. Alrighty then, we'll see you at 11:30."

Optometric piracy, plain and simple.

Ladies and Gentleman, the President of the United States

The brouhaha over President Obama's plan to address students across the country is bordering on ridiculous.

Conservatives everywhere have have dropped their guns and are brandishing moral indignation like it's after dark in downtown Detroit. Democrats, have stopped scribbling hammers and sickles on the margins of their socialist agendas, holding their collective breath in anticipation that the President will finally, finally prove he truly does lean left.

Remember the first time you had blood drawn? You girded yourself up like a linebacker smelling a sack, breathing quickened, heart rate soared, brow furrowed, and guttural noises from way deep in the abdomen came out in grunts. You reached the climax of this tense ritual, closed your eyes, and curtly nodded to the the nurse indicating it's go time, only to find out she was done three minutes ago, the cotton ball covered with a band-aid the only evidence she was ever there. Felt kind of silly didn't you? If you didn't, a quick glance at the nurse trying to suppress a laugh at your expenses would have done the trick.

Well, all of you tin foil hat wearing republicans, and Lenin acolytes on the left side of the aisle, feel silly. Be embarrassed now. Go on.

Three things people: We still teach civics in this country. An address from the President from any party should be a great catalyst to get people discussing government, a usually boring subject no matter the age level.

Born from an inter-racial marriage, a divorce survivor, by his bootstraps ivy league educated lawyer, Senator, and now President, can you imagine how his story could resonate, inspire, and convict children and young adults of any creed or color that certainly anything is possible. If the Office of the Executive uses even 10 seconds of this time to stump for policy reform instead of hammering home the encouragement to stay in school and to reach for something, well, they are all fools. Parents, who cares about his politics? I intend to use him as an example of what could be if and when my son asks. I guarantee you our conversations will not be about domestic policy.

Lastly, what's the worry? If my son was to watch it, and I ask him tell me what happened at school that day, I'd get a report on what was for lunch, who he played kickball with at recess, and how many times his buddy threw up after eating the cricket they found behind the pencil sharpener. You think your teenager is going to run out and join the Peace Corps after the speech, or engage you in a dinner time conversation about the perils of corporate greed and the importance of looser immigration laws? Come on.

Republicans-Democrats. Democrats-Republicans. Blach. I'm tired of it. What's it all matter? Jen continues to live a lie with that hack Affleck, still not on the radio and 40 is screaming up my wazoo, I have hair growing on my back hair, and no one reads my pathetic drivel anymore because blogging is so, like, last year. Gentle readers, there are far more important things to think about than politics.

54 shopping days until my birthday, for example. Hey, I'm just saying...