Oh, So That's Where I Put That...

Are you a car cleaner?

We all know the car cleaners. Fastidious, detail oriented, toothbrush wielding psychopaths who gleefully plunk quarters into the car wash like they’re playing the slots in Vegas. The type that just can’t wait to use the chamois.

I envy and despise them in equal measure.

It’s time to do the dirty. If you need me this weekend, I’ll be shoveling out the inside of my truck. I may have to resort to a pneumatic chipper to cut through the dirt.

Too Sexy For My Anger Management Class

http://www.welt.de/english-news/article2047038/Naomi_Campbell_charged_over_Heathrow_rage_incident_.html

Seriously, what does Naomi Campbell have to be so angry about? She works maybe 100 days a year in places like London, Paris, Rome, and New York City. People pay her vast sums of cash to wear their clothes, walk runways, and appear in magazines and on talk shows. She’s fabulously wealthy and extremely attractive.

Why she gotta be a hitter?

Come on everyone, put on your leather bomber jackets and mirrored shades, grow out your three day stubble, clap your hands, and sing to the tune of George Michael’s “Faith.” This one’s for you Namoi.

I know you’ve looked in every crag
And yet you still can’t find my bag
Want to see me turn into a hag?
You better look again now
Jerk Wad

I’m going super model diva all up in the place.

So I punched him in the face, face, face,
I punched him in the face
So I punched him in the face, face, face,
I punched him in the face

Jerk-Wad

Be Verrrry Quiet. We're Hunting Rrrrrabbbit!

Little guy turns six today. Birthday time.

We camp and get outdoors as much as we can. Evan loves that kind of stuff. So, I picked up a starter bow and a couple of dull-tipped arrows for him last night.

You would have thought I bought the kid his very own Stinger missile. Gracious.

What ensued next was a discussion over my outdoor prowess and man-skills pertaining to hunting and gathering. The words “my son” and “not” and “no way” came out of my spousal unit’s mouth a lot.

Look, I plan on hunting deadly hay bales, when in season of course, and maybe the occasional very elusive tree stump. It’s not like me and the little guy were going to buy some land in Idaho and start a compound swearing off pre-packaged food and cable TV. Ease up sister. Every boy should have a bow. It’s like a man rite or something.

She had the audacity to ask me if I even know how to shoot one, alluding to my soft hands, office work, and artist sensibilities. What the heck does that mean?

Boys, I believe she just man-checked me…..That ain’t right.

Artist sensibilities? That’s it. I’m going to start spitting on the floor and punching out toll booth attendants.

Stay Calm, Don't Look It In The Eye..

By proximity and a regrettable lack of other places to be, I overheard a doozy of an argument today. Needless to say, there’s a guy out there that didn’t make a lady here at the office very happy. Only heard one side of course, but this guy might want to invest in a good quality sleeping bag and a teddy bear. Lonely nights ahead.

As an unwilling interloper, I believe the gist of the argument centered around the concept of equity. Not real estate or in the stock portfolio, but more like spousal work load equity.

For those of you gentlemen contemplating marriage, or those newly married still under the false assumption that you may actually be right about anything, never, and I do mean never, knowingly enter into any discussion revolving around who does more. Let me break this down for you fellas. We can’t win that one. Women always hold the trump card. Always.

Think about it. There’s always one more thing they do that we don’t: sending holiday and birthday cards to the family, balancing the check book, bleaching the grout in the bathroom tile, working the concession stand at the PTO carnival. Always something.

For safety’s sake, I liken this to a bear attack. Engaging your significant other with the intent to prove that you do more is like encountering a hungry bear in the woods, slapping it on the snout, then dropping your pack and running away. The bear will catch you…and kill you.

No-No. If you’re dumb enough to go picking that fight, and when you do encounter the bear, stand perfectly still and take the shredding you deserve. See a smart camper knows not to go tromping through the woods wearing nothing but a raw T-bone steak as underwear.

Right now there’s that one guy at home whipping out his flip chart and markers intent on showing the world. Give it up Skippy. There’s always one more thing…

Outlaw

Pond Skippers played at the Pale Horse Rider Outlaw Country Music festival this weekend. Yes, I know. I think everyone who knows me will agree, I exude outlaw. I am outlaw. I'm so outlaw, I just punched myself in the face. Have you hugged a Pond Skipper today, BTW????

Episode 12, Volume II

Dear, sweet gentle readers, today is a big day. Milestone city baby. Yours truly hit his personal best in the three mile treadmill suicide run. My time, when compared to what some people run, would be better compared with geological plate tectonics. Still, it’s worth noting.

Here at the Bill’s Blah Blogging Worldwide Network, I rarely answer fan mail or viewer questions. Honestly it pours in from all over at a rate I just can’t deal with. But today, I think we’ll make an exception.

Sarah Green from Valparaiso, IN asks: “Bill, love your blog. Thanks for all the life affirming honest answers and insights into all of life’s mysteries. Tell me, how do you do it? How do you maintain such a busy schedule, be the greatest dad in the world, continue to be a romantic charmer of a husband, and find time to go to the gym? Really, how?”

Sarah, thanks for the note. Shout out to Valpo! You know, Sarah, it’s really just a matter of prioritizing and visualizing. Concentrating on what’s important, seeing what you want, what has to be done, then just going for it. The other day, Sarah, Tony Robbins and Zig Zigler were over seeking advice on how to succeed in life. Really, my advice was simple. I said “Dudes, eliminate the negativity in your life, and just “see” it. Trust your Kwan. Be the Kwan. Be the Kwan.” I think it helped them, and I think it will help you too Sarah.

Ron Holliwell from Pocatello, ID writes “How can you possibly run that fast on the treadmill. Isn’t it dangerous?”

Ron, thanks for checking in. Shout out to the Knee Cap. Wait, that’s patella, not Pocatello. My bizzle. Hum, how do I do it? Well yes, it is dangerous. Indeed. Others have died trying, but I stay alive cause I can’t afford the co-pay and there are chicks watching. Ha-Ha, no but seriously…it’s the eye of the tiger, Ron. Eye of the tiger. Pure white-hot focus, from my matching Lycra shorts and head band combo to my velcro strapped, light up sneaks…Eye of the tiger baby.

Last we have Victor Gomez from Brownsville, TX. Victor’s a long time reader and president of the local Bill’s Blah fan club down south there. He writes “Bill, I’ve got this festering boil that I can’t seem to…Whoa, Hey. Ha-well, we’ll just finish that one later. Rub some Salve on it Vic, maybe some Methialade. Yah, that ain’t right. Which intern pulled that one from the mail bag? Seriously…..

Listen kids, that will do it for us today. If you need me, I’ll be having a stress test and echo-cardiogram followed shortly there after by two hits from the crash cart and a bolus of adrenaline. Cards and letters can be sent in care of KU Med Center, Cardiac Care unit, Room 313. Peace.