I'll Be Here All Week Folks...

I have indicated on these pages before that I have a significant aversion to all things spider. Hate them.

Two days ago, I’m applying my usual three fingers of fury to the keyboard not paying attention to much. I happen to look up in time to see a freak of arachnid nature crawling across my desk, right under my monitor. Gentle readers, this sucker was huge and close.

I have since re-read and re-signed a copy of the office personal conduct policy and have dutifully apologized for my vulgarity to all offended members of my staff, as per the details set forth in my employee discipline report.

So, the exterminator comes by today. He’s asking about the spider while he’s doing his thing. He stops and gets a serious look on his face:

“You know, we’ve had a bunch of reports of spiders in and around computer keyboards lately.”

“Yeah, really. I wonder why?”

“Well, personally, I think its cause they’re setting up web sites.”

Right…..

Nightmare on Main Street

Blank, vacant stares
Indecision
Slow, aimless wandering
Confusion

Something strange has happened here.

Something….eerie. Something….sinister.

What’s become of the color safe bleach? Who moved the pantyhose? Mrs. Wilson, pounding her forehead, clutching a coupon in a clinched fist, hopes beyond hope that somehow, some way, she’ll divine the location of the 8 oz French cut green beans two for a dollar. Mothers, mouths agape in bewilderment, push empty carts, like lost tourists in a strange land, stopping mid-reach for what used to be the three-pack of Scott Towels, finding it now to be the family sized tub of Miracle Whip. Even the mind-numbing squeak of the off kilter wheels on the shopping carts sound different.

Wal-Mart remodels and the town stands still.

Never Been Kissed

Surgeons spend their spare time flying jets, deep sea fishing, or building full scale replicas of battleships out of two sticks of knotty pine, four nails, and a piece of scrap steel they found in the garage.

Orthopedic docs tend to be former college jocks. They race cars on the weekend, climb a mountain, or hit the gym.

I’ve now come to the conclusion that neurologists spend their weekends lording over a hot and heavy game of D&D, or engaging in deep discussions about which one was better: Picard or Kirk. Probably, now I’m going out on a limb her, but probably, they still wear footed PJ’s and have life sized Boba Fet action figures in their bedrooms.

Seriously….wow!

Give Me A Beat...

The office manager tells me that Janet Jackson is on the phone for me, line 2.

I say, “Janet Jackson, Ms. Jackson if you’re nasty” and giggle .

Nothing but a blank stare.

Come on people! I can’t be the only child of the 80’s in the room?

Please!

Apparently Ms. Paltrow has lent the use of her visage to a PSA encouraging U.S. Citizens overseas to vote in the upcoming elections. I have no problems with that. Well, I didn’t until I realized that it’s not just a PSA. It’s actually encouraging people to vote for a particular party. It’s not a PSA at all. It’s propaganda basically.

The more I thought on the subject, I came to a conclusion. Anyone that chooses to live abroad, not just go to school, or take a temporary work assignment, but to live, live outside the U.S., shouldn’t be dispensing advice on what needs to be done in the country they have vacated.

Moreover, and this is important now, anyone that names their baby “Apple” is probably not someone I’m going to rely on to help shape my important decisions.

Where to go for the best seafood in Seville, yes. Where to get my wife a Prada bag or a pair of Ugs, yes. Where’s the best part of continental Europe to summer in, yes.

Who to vote for, yeah, no thank you. I got this one Gweneth, my dear. You just go on being fabulous girl….

There and Back Again

Home at last. 2,100 round trip miles. That’s a lot of driving. This country has some amazing things to see and do. Know what else is amazing? I’ll reconcile the checkbook later and make a determination as to how much we really spent during the ten days away. Amazing indeed.

Rode a horse. That was big for me. See, my rule of thumb is never to climb on any animal that outweighs me by several hundred pounds. Yet I did it. A one hour trail ride in Estes Park, Co. Beautiful-the scenery and the multicolored bruises on my greenhorn bottom the next day.

If you get to Estes Park, you have to drive up to the visitor center at the top of the Rocky Mountain National Park. Don’t take the cheater’s way. Go up via the Old Fall River Road. It’s a one way gravel road with narrow hair pin switchbacks. It was simultaneously the most breathtaking and terrifying hour I have ever spent, with the exception of my wedding, of course. A little over 12,000 feet high.

White water rafting with the whole family. Fantastic. I mean fantastic. Survived a class four rapid, Cardiac Rock, on the Cache de Poudre river. It’s a French word pronounced Cash de Poo-der, which sounds like Cash to Poo-der, which is exactly what happened. You pay money to soak yourself in 50 degree water and then end up barely avoiding messing your trunks. I'm hooked.

Mount Rushmore was incredible. Tourist trap, yes, but still something everyone should see. The scale, the complexity, the sheer tonnage of rock that had to be blasted, hammered, chiseled, and polished is mind-boggling. It’s also a harsh reminder that I suck at artistic endeavors. I can’t make a simple bowl in seventh grade pottery class. These people carved sixty foot busts of dead presidents into the side of a mountain.

Spent a hot afternoon on the wild life loop in Custer’s State Park. Pronghorn antelope, white-tailed deer, big horn sheep, prairie dogs, and buffalo. Go off the pavement, onto some of the back public access roads. We ended up in the middle of a buffalo herd as they were crossing from one meadow to another. More buffalo than I could count. Kept saying “I am Need-to-Pee. You, Growl On Face Like Constipated Bear and Little Badger are my family. I find many, many ta-tonka” for like six hours afterwards.

On a scheduling note, I’d pick later in August to go near Mount Rushmore. The troops were gathering for the annual Harley-Davidson rally everywhere. We camped about thirty minutes outside of Sturgis, just a few miles from Mount Rushmore. The place was crawling with bikes and bikers. The rally doesn’t officially kick off until next week. I can’t imagine what it must be like. Let me just say this, and I don’t care how “Bad” you think you are, the whole black leather vest and no shirt thing-no. Gross. On the way home we counted bikes heading into the area for a little while. On average, about twenty per minute. Two people per bike, that’s…multiply by four, carry the one…divide by three..yeah, about sixty two million gallons of water not being used for showers in the coming week. Scary.

What a trip. Loved the time with the family. Now it’s back to work…

High Plains Drifter

To borrow a line from the Good Doctor, "Oh, the things you will see". Clorado and South Dakota were amazing.

People I'm headed home. Arriving in KC tomorrow. I'll post more later. Many thanks to the guest bloggers. Excellent as always.

Peace.