Know When

Cigars are ridiculous. I'm sorry,but there is no cool associated with these stupid things. Lets face it, you look like you have a six inch turd sticking out of your mouth. Once you light it, your first impressions are confirmed. It is indeed a six inch turd. Cigar smokers are inhaling turd smoke. The rest of us, second-hand turd smoke.

Yesterday on the trek to Mizzou Arena from the parking garage, we fell in behind a trio of neer-do-wells who had obviously spent the preceding hours reliving their college years. One of them was burning a stogie. I say stogie, but judging from the 4-color litho, foil stamped band on the turd, and from the diameter of said turd, it probably set him back a fortune. So the unfortunates behind this ultra cool guy were treated to very expensive turd fumes all the way to the game.

In case my sense of smell hadn't already convinced me this guy was a complete jerk-off, with dozens of trash bins in plain view, he decided to throw his still burning turd stick onto the decorated bricks of the beautiful plaza area as we approached the entrance to the arena. And then, he just walked away. Just like he was all that.

This is the guy who makes change in the collection plate. This is the guy who has never made eye contact with any woman because he's too busy staring at their chests. This is the guy that tells you he would have been a green-beret, but decided to go to college instead. You know the type.

The type of guy who gets a day pass from his wife and decides to prove his street-cred by drinking too much and smoking dried crumbly turd lumps wrapped tightly in small, flattened turd sheets.

Know when to say when kids. It's appropriate when you're 21. It should be mandatory when you're 42. In terms of turds, not sure which was bigger; the adolescent trapped in a man's body or the Los Angeles class submarine the idiot was smoking.

Thank you. That is all.