From NY Times

The “right to bear arms” may take a new meaning in the Obama administration.
— Posted by Jeffrey Mikulina

Thought For The Day

Love is like a booger. You keep picking at it until you get it, then spend the rest of your life wondering what to do with it.

Thank you. That is all.

Look at my finger. Don't make me use it!

Hey people. I’m back, I’m back.

Well, yours truly and a new arrival to our country presently employed at the Budget Rental Car counter near O’Hare Airport recently engaged in a little verbal tête-à-tête that ended badly.

Spent two hours returning to the airport in a blizzard, cars all over the road slipping and sliding. It was white knuckle driving all the way. Keep in mind the drive out took 35 minutes. Two hours getting back. Like a dutiful renter, I stopped for gas in the midst of the weather carnage, lest I pay $6.98 per gallon when I return the car. Arrived alive, back at the airport, but by then I was like a nervous cat with taped up paws.

Did you know, gentle readers, that if your round trip in the rental car is less than 60 miles and you don’t keep your gas receipt, Budget ever so kindly levies a $13 dollar fee just for giggles? Me neither. I expressed as much to my friendly representative at the counter who proceeded to tell me, in rental car speak, the equivalent of “Tough Nuggies.”

People, reference above. My round trip was less than 60 miles yet I spent two hours getting back to the airport. Do the math on that. Late for my return flight, completely spent from surviving the gauntlet that is Chicago Northland rush hour in the snow and slop, I may have lost my cool a little at his attitude. Just a little.

The result was a verbal altercation that resembled a tennis match, each of us lobbing volleys back and forth in our native tongues-his Spanish, mine west central Missouri red neck. Imagine Boomhaeur from King of the Hill and a high pitched Ricky Ricardo yelling unintelligibly at each other for about three minutes. Good times. Made quite a scene.

Didn’t pay the fee, but I’m no longer welcome to rent from Budget at O’Hare. So sayeth Ricky anyway. I think. Sports fans, I pointed my finger. Angrily I might add. Kind of proud of myself.

Glad to be back. I gotta go now. Time to punch someone. Yeah, I’m all hard like that.

Face it America, We Have a Problem

Washington D.C
January 6, 2008
From the AP…

Judy Dominguez-Gonzales O’Brien, Director of Communications for the Department of Homeland Security announced earlier today in a hastily put together press conference that the national threat level has been raised to Orange (+), which is like a fuzzy, dull crimson. Not red, exactly, yet not a solid orange either. According to Ms. Dominguez-Gonzales O’Brien, the escalation is a direct result of a discovery of a world wide cyber terrorist threat so insidious, so broad in its scope, as to be “the biggest threat to the national security of this country since Pearl Habor.”

When asked to identify the threat, Ms. Dominguez-Gonzales O’Brien, referring to her notes, called it simply “Facebook”. “Never before have we as a country been faced with such an economic threat as the productivity crippling Facebook has created.” The Department of Homeland Security, in cooperation with FBI, CIA, Secret Service, Department of Labor, and Department of Commerce, have put together a multi-agency task force to look into the origin of this threat and ways to effectively eradicate it before “The heart and soul of America’s engine of capitalism, it’s workforce, suffers permanent paralysis rendering this once great country a second world power in a matter of few short years.”

Citing confidential sources Ms. Dominguez-Gonzales O’Brien states that “already evidence is mounting that this Facebook is indeed an evil plot implemented upon unsuspecting 20, 30, and 40 somethings with apparently too much idle time at work.” “last week, it has come to our attention that a 300 metric ton shipment of vital grain supply was misrouted and sent to New Orleans on a river barge instead of Cleveland via an over the road truck line. The grain broker’s dispatcher was, and I quote now, distracted from being poked 35 times in a 24 hour period by friends, and family.”

In another incident Ms. Dominguez-Gonzales O’Brien outlined that the 10-43 floor of the Hightower Commerce Building in Seattle was left virtually unguarded for three hours last week as a night watchman left his post physically ill after receiving tagged photos of his former high school sweetheart who is now 325 pounds and is moderator of the sweat is sweet group. Proof that terror is real and that swift action is required, Ms. Dominguez-Gonzales O’Brien outlined a doomsday scenario which recently took place in the control tower at O’Hare International Airport. “A senior contract employee of the FAA recently resigned from his post citing three near misses and called missed approach after abandoning his scope due to being completely incapable of finding anything witty to enter into his current status bar.”

Ms. Dominguez-Gonzales O’Brien left us with a stern warning of a bleak outlook before making a quick retreat from the podium and refusing to answer questions. “This task force is vital to the ongoing security of this nation. Clearly this is a plot against America implemented by hard line Middle East factions intent on destroying our way of life. While we idly set in front of our computers twittering, Al Qaeda will be rolling down Main Street with AKs and RPG’s at the ready. This is a fight we have to win. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have 325 notifications and 12 friend requests to attend to, and apparently, 44 people want to pass me a drink.”

POP Server Blues

We all know about New Year’s Resolutions. But I went ahead and made one anyway.

I’ve got to get better organized. I made a pledge that I was going to my act together in 2009. Bought a Blackberry. It has a way to sync up with Outlook so that my calendar is right there in the palm of my hand.

Let’s see. First I think I would need to actually input my calendar on Outlook. That’s probably a start. Secondly, have you seen the instructions on how to get Outlook to sync up with Blackberry? Just to enter a date on the phone by itself, bypassing Outlook, is tough enough.

See, I need to go to a class or two. Trouble is I’d have to schedule the class. Then, I’d have to remember to go to the class. Without Outlook, or a phone to Sync it with, how do I remember to go to class?

See where I’m at people?

Things Not Taught In Business School

I work for a company that makes lifting equipment for use by the elderly or handicapped. The average consumer for my products would fit the prototypical image you might have of a retired, cookie making, slightly overweight grandmother of ten, or your grandfather after he finally relented to the fact that he can’t get around like he used to. As you might imagine, all of the marketing materials we generate show lifestyle shots of people in our target demographic group using and enjoying lifts.

We’ve recently started doing business with a very large national account that has a booming catalog and mail order business of products specifically targeted at seniors. Potentially this is a watershed opportunity for everyone involved. Now, this catalog company has significant marketing expertise, so they say. They produce print ads and catalogs that reach aan udience of millions every month. They know how to appeal to consumers, how to attract a specific buyer.

Recently sat in on a conference call whereby the mucky-mucks and so-and-sos of this firm began to tell us that our marketing materials were insufficient. We need to completely revise the brochures with lifestyle shots of attractive, slender females in their early 40’s, preferably with well proportioned features. Apparently, consumers do not want to see themselves in ads. “They want to see a stylized persona, an image, of what they just might feel like while using the featured product.”

Personally I disagree. If this were the case wouldn’t we have shows all over London, Paris, and New York with all the beautiful people rolling down the cat walk in the latest manual wheelchair, shuffling to loud hip hop beats wearing the next generation prosthetic limb, maybe Heidi Klum sporting the new 2009 spring line of incontinence diapers. No. However, they didn’t ask my opinion and I’m not paying the freight on this deal. So…

People, I’ve spent the better part of two days contacting modeling agencies and peering over web sites looking for Victoria Secrets models who happen to be over 40. Seriously, it’s like ordering a pizza. Yes, I need a female, 40-45, slender, at least a 36-C or better, most likely brunette with no visible scars. Oh, oh wait...can you make her European? OK sir, that will be $150 an hour, three hour minimum with a $300 agency fee, and we’ll have her there in 30 minutes or your order is free.

I had no idea this type of thing existed. None.

Two things: I feel dirty and I freaking love this country

Don’t think of this image as gratuitous sex and skin and the propagation of unhealthy self images in comparison to most normal body types. No. Think of this picture as your grandma and her sewing circle friends thrilled with their new found ability to get down to the craft room at the senior center since the purchase of the new lift.

Yeah...

New Year

Be safe in your merriment tonight kiddos.

I'm giving the spousal unit a big kiss come midnight. Of course, I'll have to wake her up to do it and she'll be peeved until New Years next year, but tradition is tradition darn it.

Here's to you. May you be kissing someone at the appropriate hour. Oh the heck with it, start the kissing now.

Peace.