Further to its insidious plot to rule the world, Google has converted another.
http://seventhrowmusic.blogspot.com
Monday, December 22, 2008
Not my work, but too funny to pass up. From Craigslist:
NINJA HAULER: 2005 Nissan Xterra - $12900 (Ronan / Lake County)
Date: 2008-11-19, 10:04PM MST
OK, let me start off by saying this Xterra is only available for purchase by the manliest of men (or women). My friend, if it was possible for a vehicle to sprout chest hair and a five o'clock shadow, this Nissan would look like Tom Selleck. It is just that manly.
It was never intended to drive to the mall so you can pick up that adorable shirt at Abercrombie & Fitch that you had your eye on. It wasn't meant to transport you to yoga class or Linens & Things. No, that's what your Prius is for. If that's the kind of car you're looking for, then just do us all a favor and stop reading right now. I mean it. Just stop.
This car was engineered by 3rd degree ninja super-warriors in the highest mountains of Japan to serve the needs of the man that cheats death on a daily basis. They didn't even consider superfluous nancy boy amenities like navigation systems (real men don't get lost), heated leather seats (a real man doesn't let anything warm his butt), or On Star (real men don't even know what the hell On Star is). No, this brute comes with the things us testosterone-fueled super action junkies need. It has a 265 HP engine to outrun the cops. It's got special blood/gore resistant upholstery. It even has a first-aid kit in the back. You know what the first aid kit has in it? A pint of whiskey, a stitch-your-own-wound kit and a hunk of leather to bite down on when you're operating on yourself.
The Xterra also has an automatic transmission so if you're being chased by Libyan terrorists, you'll still be able to shoot your machine gun out the window and drive at the same time. It's saved my bacon more than once. It has room for you and the four hotties you picked up on the way to the gym to blast your pecs and hammer your glutes. There's a tow hitch to pull your 50 caliber anti-Taliban, self cooling machine gun. I also just put in a new windshield to replace the one that got shot out by The Man.
My price on this bad boy is an incredibly low $12,900, but I'll entertain reasonable offers. And by reasonable, I mean don't walk up and tell me you'll give me $5,000 for it. That's liable to earn you a Burmese-roundhouse-sphincter-kick with a follow up three fingered eye-jab. Would it hurt? Hell yeah. Let's just say you won't be the prettiest guy at the Coldplay concert anymore.
There's only 69,000 miles on this four-wheeled hellcat from Planet Kickass. Trust me, it will outlive you and the offspring that will carry your name. It will live on as a monument to your machismo. Now, go look in the mirror and tell me what you see. If it's a rugged, no holds barred, super brute he-man macho Chuck Norris stunt double, then contact me. I might be out hang-gliding or BASE jumping or just chilling with my ladies, but I'll get back to you. And when I do, we'll talk about a price over a nice glass of Schmidt while we listen to Johnny Cash. To sweeten the deal a little, I'm throwing in this pair of MC Hammer pants for the man with rippling quads that can't fit into regular pants. Yeah, you heard me. FREE MC Hammer pants. Rock on.
Location: Ronan / Lake County
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interestsPostingID: 926508578
NINJA HAULER: 2005 Nissan Xterra - $12900 (Ronan / Lake County)
Date: 2008-11-19, 10:04PM MST
OK, let me start off by saying this Xterra is only available for purchase by the manliest of men (or women). My friend, if it was possible for a vehicle to sprout chest hair and a five o'clock shadow, this Nissan would look like Tom Selleck. It is just that manly.
It was never intended to drive to the mall so you can pick up that adorable shirt at Abercrombie & Fitch that you had your eye on. It wasn't meant to transport you to yoga class or Linens & Things. No, that's what your Prius is for. If that's the kind of car you're looking for, then just do us all a favor and stop reading right now. I mean it. Just stop.
This car was engineered by 3rd degree ninja super-warriors in the highest mountains of Japan to serve the needs of the man that cheats death on a daily basis. They didn't even consider superfluous nancy boy amenities like navigation systems (real men don't get lost), heated leather seats (a real man doesn't let anything warm his butt), or On Star (real men don't even know what the hell On Star is). No, this brute comes with the things us testosterone-fueled super action junkies need. It has a 265 HP engine to outrun the cops. It's got special blood/gore resistant upholstery. It even has a first-aid kit in the back. You know what the first aid kit has in it? A pint of whiskey, a stitch-your-own-wound kit and a hunk of leather to bite down on when you're operating on yourself.
The Xterra also has an automatic transmission so if you're being chased by Libyan terrorists, you'll still be able to shoot your machine gun out the window and drive at the same time. It's saved my bacon more than once. It has room for you and the four hotties you picked up on the way to the gym to blast your pecs and hammer your glutes. There's a tow hitch to pull your 50 caliber anti-Taliban, self cooling machine gun. I also just put in a new windshield to replace the one that got shot out by The Man.
My price on this bad boy is an incredibly low $12,900, but I'll entertain reasonable offers. And by reasonable, I mean don't walk up and tell me you'll give me $5,000 for it. That's liable to earn you a Burmese-roundhouse-sphincter-kick with a follow up three fingered eye-jab. Would it hurt? Hell yeah. Let's just say you won't be the prettiest guy at the Coldplay concert anymore.
There's only 69,000 miles on this four-wheeled hellcat from Planet Kickass. Trust me, it will outlive you and the offspring that will carry your name. It will live on as a monument to your machismo. Now, go look in the mirror and tell me what you see. If it's a rugged, no holds barred, super brute he-man macho Chuck Norris stunt double, then contact me. I might be out hang-gliding or BASE jumping or just chilling with my ladies, but I'll get back to you. And when I do, we'll talk about a price over a nice glass of Schmidt while we listen to Johnny Cash. To sweeten the deal a little, I'm throwing in this pair of MC Hammer pants for the man with rippling quads that can't fit into regular pants. Yeah, you heard me. FREE MC Hammer pants. Rock on.
Location: Ronan / Lake County
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interestsPostingID: 926508578
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Bon Voyage....Soon
With white stuff on the ground, temps in the low 20’s, and more junk predicted for later today, I thought it appropriate to remind myself that in less than 60 days I’ll be aboard a cruise liner headed for tropical climes.Not bragging, just reminding myself the sun will shine again. I intend to chase it down come Valentine's day.
The brochure calls it the Southern Caribbean. I call it the three Saints and a Virgin tour.
My wife in a bathing suit, me in the Hawaiian shirt du jour, little guy running wild on the Lido deck, sand between our toes, and umbrellas in our drinks.
Oh yes. Yes, Indeed.
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Back and Thawing Out
Been out of pocket for a few days. Took a quick trip to Canada. Yes, that Canada. Cold and snow up there. Go figure.First things first, to all in Montreal, how you can put cheese curds and gravy on French fries is beyond my understanding. Frankly, I think you should have your own country there in Quebec if you’re going to act that way. That’s not just wrong. It’s a classification busting type of foulness that defies explanation.
Secondly, rental cars have the speedometers in kilometers. More than once I slammed on the brakes to slow myself down completely surprised to find myself driving 100, or 60 for those of us stupid English standard only Americans.
When in Ontario, you can never go wrong with jokes about beer or hockey (Maple Leafs in particular), just FYI. Any joke with New Foundland in it seems to be a hit as well. Recycled the same material over a day and a half with much success.
Spend any time in Toronto and you can clearly see that you do not know diversity like they know it. There’s nothing homogenous about any of it. Finding any three nationalities alike in a group of ten is a rarity. Helped an elderly Japanese man fill out a customs form, spoke to an Indian customs agent, asked questions of a Latin security guard, had dinner with two French speakers from Quebec, and met a transplanted South African. All very Canadian, yet different.
It’s easy to tell the Americans in Canada. Yes, Indeed. They’ll be the ones with their mouths agape, revulsion in their eyes, doubting they actually heard correctly when someone asked them if they wanted cheese curds and gravy on their fries.
Seriously. That’s not right.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Old Man Winter
Every year it happens, the first real snow, and every year I say the same thing. I hate winter.
This white, frozen reminder of why deductibles exist began around lunch time and is still going some five hours later.
Yesterday it was 50 degrees. Seriously. Today I get this.
This white, frozen reminder of why deductibles exist began around lunch time and is still going some five hours later.
Yesterday it was 50 degrees. Seriously. Today I get this.
Seriously, what’s the deal?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
