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The picture is just too good for one entry.

Possible captions for the photo:

Repeat juvenile offenders, under Missouri’s new “Get Tough” policy, are forced to look at 24 hours of photos and videos of Brittney Spears from last years VMAs.

Tom learned the hard way what Moo Goo Gai Pan really is.

And today’s winner…

A representative from Brentwood-Benson Publishing reacts to a new submission from the Filer Brothers.

Doggone My Stomach Hurts

What? Americans are fat and getting fatter you say? Well that’s just an unfair stereotype….

Doesn’t this picture say a thousand words?

On average a normal size hotdog on a bun contains approximately 170 calories. He consumed 59 hotdogs in a contest that had to go to a sudden death eat-off in order to be decided. For those of you who went to KU, don’t hurt yourself with the math. That’s 10,030 calories.

Judging from the look on his face, my guess is that he immediately, and unceremoniously I might add, gave back about 52 of the dogs, leaving him to metabolize a mere 1100 calories.

Still, that’s just nasty.

I Get It, I Get It...Jeez!

I’m no movie critic, beyond just the normal liked it or didn’t like variety that is. Don’t want to be. I go to movies to be entertained, not to marvel at the filmmaker’s use of lighting and cinematography.

So it was a bit surprising that about 25 minutes into Walle, Disney-Pixar’s new film, I began focusing less on the cute little robot romance, and more on the overt political messages that somebody took great care to cultivate. For me to notice, gentle readers, it had to be heavy handed

For those of you without kids, or who may not plan to see the movie, let me give you the Bill Filer attention span challenged crib notes:

#1) Having a big heart (even a robotic one) trumps big problems every time.
#2) We’re trashing the planet
#3) People (presumably Americans) are allowing themselves to become fat and lazy
#4) Big corporations are evil

My little guy liked the movie. It was cute and very well done as you would expect from Disney, don’t get me wrong. But it was preachy. Very preachy, indeed.

Independence Day

When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for a distracted dieter to dissolve the political correctness bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the culinary and dietary powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the laws of nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a complete and total lack of respect to the opinions of mankind,the American Medical Association and personal trainers everywhere, requires that he should declare the causes which impel him to the separation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their creator certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty, and the pursuit of the all you can eat breakfast buffet…

(When this is ratified by the hastily assembled congress, you can bet that my signature will be first and the largest on the page.)

Little guy left for the zoo early this morning with his aunt and uncle. The Mrs. took advantage of our childless status to make a daybreak assault on the local shopping mall. Fear her.

This left me with nothing but the paper and the local greasy spoon less than three blocks away. On this auspicious day, I declare my independence from the recommended daily allowance of anything.

On this day, eat ye of the egg, the greasy meat products, the fat laden caloric sweets, and drink ye the products of fermented grains and grapes. Because after all…. http://sounds.wavcentral.com/movies/braveheart/take_freed.mp3

May The 4th Be With You

Gentle readers, I’m out. Taking a long weekend.

May your barbeques be hot, your drinks be cold, and your sun block at SPF 50 or better. Peace.

You have to love a nation that celebrates its independence every July 4, not with a parade of guns, tanks, and soldiers who file by the White House in a show of strength and muscle, but with family picnics where kids throw Frisbees, the potato salad gets iffy, and the flies die from happiness. You may think you have overeaten, but it is patriotism.Erma Bombeck

My Bizzle

Haven’t been in the studio for a few days. Haven’t seen my brother for longer. The entry way light by the studio’s front door is out. Had to fumble with the key in the dark for a long while. Finally got the stupid door open. The high quality front door we have swells when it gets humid, so I had to lean into it a little (a lot) to get it opened.

So its pitch black, I’ve just bulldozed my way through the door, and I’m trying to get my bearings in the darkened room. I turned to my left and something hit me in the face. At that point I did what every other rational adult male would do: I screamed like a small child flailing my arms around like I’m fighting bees. I hear a couple of crashes and then things settle down. I fumble and stumble to the wall patting it down until I find the light switch.

Turns out it wasn’t deadly demons, scores of the undead, rabid dogs, or man-eating crocodiles that were out to get me in the dark. My brother had been doing some vocal work apparently and had set up the boom stand with the Neumann mic. The Neumann. RRRRight.

I’ll be looking for a second job over the holiday weekend. Hope Chris has an easy payment plan.

From the Pentagon Today...

OK ladies and gentlemen, if you’ll take your seats we’ll begin the briefing. There will be just a few minutes following my prepared remarks for Q&A.

Today, after an exhaustive study by a joint commission comprised of elements form all branches of the military, the Joint Chiefs of Staff, the Defense Department, and the Central Intelligence Agency, we are pleased to introduce a new weapon in the war against terror. We feel implementing this new weapons platform will be a huge step forward in eliminating deeply embedded insurgent cells, rendering them combat ineffective.

Totally Horrific Random Enraging Asinine Discoloration, code named THREAD, will be deployed in all forward areas of operations in both Iraq and Afghanistan by the end of the year. The results will be devastating. All those who continue to pursue an agenda of violence and hate against America should stand as warned. Thank you. I’ll be happy to answer your questions now.

Yes, Deputy Jones, thank you for the briefing. Tom Sullivan here, Washington Post. Can you tell us how THREAD works?

Well Tom, THREAD, through a combination of classified technologies and methods, harnesses the dark brown, blue, and black deposits that come off of a seemingly clean iron or out of a perfectly clean washing machine. You know they type. It renders a garment, both new and old, completely useless and happens only at a time when you are in a hurry, late for an appointment, or in need of wearing that particular garment for a company photo, trade show, or important client meeting, or in this case, a so-called “Holy War”.

Susan McCloud, LA Times, Forgive me, but that sounds totally lame, useless in fact, and plainly, not very macho. How is this going to stop the war on terror?

Ms. McCloud, I assure you this bane of every home laundry room is not “lame” or “useless”. We’ve been able to amplify the effects and predict the randomness of when it occurs. When deployed it will systematically seek out common fabrics used in the making of keffiyeh and burkas, common everyday clothing worn by Arabs in the area troops are stationed. The scope and pervasiveness of these stains will lead Arabs world wide to declare a Jihad on all irons and washing machines, distracting the enemy, effectively diverting men and materials away from the current battlefields.

That reminds me. On a related note, we’re asking all civilian contractors and ex-pats stationed in Iraq, who happen to work for Maytag, Whirlpool, and Kenmore, to begin an orderly evacuation of conflict areas as soon as possible for obvious reasons.

Ms. McCloud, to put a fine point on this, what suicide bomber wants to meet his reward of 40 virgins wearing a stained keffiyeh? Ingenious really.

Ah, Deputy Jones, Clarnce Williams, Ohama Free Dealer, with the nature of the weapon, don’t you see collateral damage as an issue?

Yes. It is inevitable. There will be no distinction between Combatants and non-combatants. In fact, when the full scope of the deployment is made clear, I suspect massive casualties in homes all across Asia Minor and the Arabian Peninsula.

That’s all the time I have. Thank you and good afternoon.

(I freaking hate my iron. Hate it.)